Recently I’ve been feeling really fed up. Continue reading
This is a post I’ve started to write many, many times. It’s been through more drafts than any other I’ve written. I dabbled with writing the word “important” in the title, but that seemed vain, and I mulled over just mentioning this in a footnote of another post, but that seemed dismissive, and I even thought about not announcing this at all, but I’ve started to feel weirdly secretive. Continue reading
Happy Easter! The day we celebrate spring, eggs, flowers, bunnies, baby/dead Jesus, flowers, the dairy industry and most of all, caves.
It was my birthday last week and as I’ve already documented my thoughts on the whole thing, it’s time to share what I actually did! My birth “day” actually spanned about 5 days as I had gigs before and after the day itself, plus a big meal/pub night with all my pals at the weekend. Continue reading
September marks the end of beds. The fall of rain. The switch to darkness when I wander home from work, the start of lights on for motorways. The end of laughter down the hall and protein shakes in the kitchen. The sunglasses are out of my bag, instead replaced with an ever-present umbrella. I remember a younger me who came to relish September, the promise of fresh starts, breakfast in coffee shops. New pencilcases, walnuts in salads, poetry readings, looking forward to winter coat weather and frosty hands on playgrounds. I do not relish those things anymore.
This September is different. Journeying halfway across the world to solve a dilemma I do not fully understand. Sifting through my belongings and photographing them in the hope that some stranger may want them in their hands instead. Confronting the cold in my heart, the grit that has not really lodged since last November. The long game of scheduling when I would rather just write songs all day, songs I can not write because nobody wishes to hear. The pain sure to be stirred by the arrival of orange on the trees. Committing my frenzied, troubled thoughts to tape and airing my hard-won work to a discerning and unwilling audience. Worrying about fronting poorly-attended gigs. I’m restless, and there seems to be little left to come. Maybe this is the danger of living constantly in the moment, or just a comedown from summer, or just spiralling thoughts on a rainy Tuesday night whilst the boys move out.
Hello! A lot of things have happened which have rendered me unable to post. They’re not altogether good things so here’s a quick update…
– My laptop has died! I’m floundering a lot with work as nothing is backed up! I’m particularly upset at the idea of losing my Japan photos and videos (So soon! So cruel!) and my business plans and year overviews. Cross your fingers that the genius people from Apple will be able to salvage my files :(
– I have an eye injury! I’m back to wearing glasses full time which I HATE – movement is restricted, the frames are heavy on my face, vision is compromised everytime the glass gets dirty (a lot) and I get headaches.
– I’m in full rehearsal for A Strange Wild Song! I wrote all the music for this show a few years back and we have toured it 4 times before (long time readers may remember the previous two tours). The rehearsals are fun but knackering. I’m averaging about 5 hours sleep…
– We are going on tour the week after next! I love touring but right now it’s more of a logistical nightmare as I’m trying to reschedule all my normal work around being away. I’m excited to actually get on the road!
If that all sounds pretty negative than I guess it is – I’m very tired at the moment, struggling to work effectively and frustrated by having glasses full time. Here are the positives:
– One of our housemates recently moved out. They’d turned out to have a lot of issues and been causing a lot of friction within the house and a sense of relief has come over all of us still there. Never underestimate having a happy living situation!
– I’ve hired a PA! I cannot believe I didn’t get one sooner, it has revolutionised my productivity. Even in this very exhausted and timeless space I’m currently inhabiting.
– I went to Japan! It feels like a lifetime ago, I have so much I wanted to share and if it’s not all been lost then I will spread the Japanese joy on this blog soon.
Anyway. So that’s me. What have you been up to?
Me aged 15 messing around with paint for self-portraits (selfies weren’t a thing when I was your age, kids). Eat your heart out, charliexbarker
When I was a teenager I didn’t really have any expectations for the future. I had a big list of places I wanted to go and I knew what my interests were and I really, really wanted to meet some like-minded people. But there was no ideal, dream reality that my adult self would occupy. I just desperately yearned for certain situations.
I wanted a group of girlfriends who would meet me for lunch in nice bars, like on TV, except I wanted girlfriends who were interested in pop culture and vintage clothes and markets rather than hair and make-up and high fashion. I wanted people I could share music tastes with, and cook curries for, and my God, I wanted somebody to talk about Sailor Moon with. I wanted a best friend I could stay up all night with and have a million stupid jokes and call up any weekday evening and hang out with. And I wanted somebody who would come round and cuddle me just because, and kiss me at gigs, and tell me I was special.
I wanted to live in London, and go for coffee in cute indie cafes, and meet my friends in pubs where the bar staff knew my orders already. I wanted to try new restaurants in the evening and go shopping on the weekends. I wanted to have a kick-ass collection of fairy queen crowns, vintage sequins and old books. I wanted to take my songs more seriously. I wanted to write and paint more. I wanted to be free of the shackles of school and schedule my own weeks with things I loved and people I adored and pastimes that fulfilled me. I wanted to be trusted, and witty, and hold my own in conservations with my imaginary future friends.
Inventing selfies aged 15 for prom night.
My trademark “wacky” style aged 16 + “goofy” pose. Probably before a dire house party.
Aged 17 with an outift that inspired the name of EL James’ bestseller.
I realised the other day that I now take all of those things for granted. All of those fleeting ideas I so wished for and dreamt of have become my everyday life. I’m becoming the person I always wanted to be, but I am also already there. I wake up in the arms of somebody beautiful, thrilling and smart who makes me feel happy. I get home from work and I chat my day over with my cherished housemates; talking through the ups and downs of the day. I stagger home from our local down the road arm in arm with my pals, and I get into our room and I look out the window at the whole of London, feeling part of this vibrant, sprawling city.
I no longer feel like a teenager – but I don’t mind. It’s better here. IÂ make things and build things and with age comes gravitas and reputation. I’m less likely to fuck it up because I’ve done it 10 times already – and even if I do, people don’t mind as much because they know sometimes I get it right. I see my students now and I remember the feeling of there being this huge world out there and wondering how to get into the thick of it, how to find your place in the busiest city, how to carve a path in the toughest industry. It sounds corny, but when I stop and look around I realise in trying to get there, I’m already there.
First job out of university aged 21.
Last Christmas with kidney infection (post somewhere on this blog).
About two minutes ago.
TAPE PARADE 
